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Domestic violence is estimated to be the most common and least reported crime in the United States. A woman is more likely to be assaulted, raped or murdered by a current or former husband or boyfriend than by all other types of assailants. In 1994, 117 women were murdered by domestic partners in North Carolina.
What makes a relationship an abusive one? Domestic violence isn’t only about physical abuse and visible marks; it’s about power and control. One partner has far more power than the other and uses abuse to keep control over the other person. Abuse can involve keeping her from seeing or talking to friends and family, drilling her about where she goes and who she sees, or preventing her from having activities outside of the home. It often includes emotional abuse, like name-calling, humiliation and mind games. There may also be threats to harm her, the children or him if she doesn’t do what he wants, or if she tries to leave. Control over the money or preventing her from holding a job can keep her financially dependent and unable to afford to leave.
Partner abuse often has a pattern. There is no such thing as a relationship that has violence once in a while, and in between everything is fine. Usually the other types of abuse are happening in between violent episodes. The cycle typically begins with a build-up of tension, what abused women often refer to as the "walking on eggshells time." The man may make threats. He may start shoving, pushing or name-calling. The woman may try to please him or calm him down. Then the violence breaks out. He may throw things at her, or use a weapon. This is the blow-up. Afterward he is often sorry. He may feel bad and want to make-up, promising never to do it again. This is rarely true. He may promise to do other things, like quit drinking, get help, or go to church. These promises are often empty, and the cycle begins again. In some cases, abuse follows no pattern at all.
Why do women stay in abusive relationships? Many abused women feel trapped. Money can be a problem, and leaving an abuser may mean not having enough to live on. Leaving can be dangerous. The man may threaten to harm or kill the woman if she leaves, and this is the time of highest risk to a domestic violence victim. A family breakup may feel wrong. The woman may love the man. If she has children, she may feel they need a father. She may feel she has to take care of him, and that if she leaves him, he will never get better. Getting away may be hard, but staying can be much worse.
What you can do to help someone who is being abused. If you suspect someone you know is being abused, tell her you are concerned about her safety. Pretending it’s not happening is like keeping a deadly secret. Even if she’s not ready to talk about it, this lets her know that you are open to hearing her story when she is ready. Let her know that she did not cause the abuse, and that she cannot control it. Tell her she does not deserve to be abused, and that she deserves to have a live free from violence. Telling her she’s crazy to stay or to say that she loves him is NOT helpful, and may only reinforce things the abuser has told her. Let her know there are places she can go for help. Don’t blame her or give up if she returns to the abuser. On average, women leave an abusive partner three to seven times before they are able to leave for good.
Above all, empower her with information and support so that she can make her own choices. You can call the 24-hour crisis line at Family Service of the Piedmont (274-7273 in Greensboro or 889-7273 in High Point) to help her make a safety plan and to get more information. The crisis line provides access to emergency shelter throughout Guilford County. Family Service of the Piedmont operates two shelters: Carpenter House in High Point and Clara House in Greensboro. In addition to crisis line and shelter support, the Victim Services division of Family Service of the Piedmont also provides advocacy and information about the criminal justice system, safety planning, and counseling to women and children who have experienced domestic violence. Offender treatment is also available. 
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