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When we think of domestic violence, we tend to think of adult women as the victims of their husbands or boyfriends. However, children are frequently present in households in which domestic is taking place, and are aware of what’s going on, even if they don’t witness it directly. Here are some examples of ways that partner abuse can affect children and teenagers:
Accepting violence as a way to deal with problems
Several small children were "playing house." One little girl, playing "the mommy," accidentally dropped the toy dishes that she was carrying over to her friends. The other little girl turned to the boy who was playing "the daddy" and said, "you better smack her because now your dinner’s ruined."
Constant fear that their mother will be killed
One child jumped in between his parents during an episode of domestic violence, intervening on his mother’s behalf. His father pushed him aside to try to keep him out of harm’s way, but the child fractured a bone in the fall. When the social worker interviewed the child at the hospital, he told her that he would do it again and felt that a fractured arm was "worth it," because he believed that his father would kill his mother if no one intervened.
Self-blame, even if violence is not linked to an argument about issues involving the child(ren)
A mother brought her first-grade son to a therapist to discuss his anxiety and moodiness. As the mother was describing to the therapist the most recent incident of partner violence, the child got up from his coloring, walked over to the mother, and said, "I’m sorry Mama, I didn’t mean to." It was not even clear what the boy thought he had done, but it was very clear that he felt responsible.
Increased aggressiveness with peers (especially boys)
Boys who witness domestic violence are 26 times more likely to commit sexual assault, and 1000 times more likely to commit domestic violence as adults.
Increased passivity (especially girls)
A teenaged girl was dating another student at her high school. She told one of her friends that her boyfriend had shoved her into a wall and demanded to know why she had been looking at another guy. Although she was scared when this happened, she told her friend that it was "no big deal" and that his "jealousy" was O.K. with her because it shows how much he cares about her.
Nightmares and sleep difficulties
A fourth grader was terribly embarrassed and afraid to confide in anyone, because in addition to nightmares, he had begun wetting the bed. This child’s mother thought that he knew nothing of the domestic violence that she was experiencing, because "it never happened in front of the children."
Distractibility and difficulty concentrating at school
One teenager was often too busy worrying about parents’ safety to make satisfactory progress in school. She continued to fall behind in school, but had never had any disciplinary problems. However, after one particularly bad incident at home, she was suspended from school following an angry outburst at her teacher. Later she revealed to a counselor that she had intentionally got herself suspended so that she could be at home with her mother.
Anxiety and vigilance
Although he never said anything about it to his mother, one child was always on the lookout for danger, and was always in a state of constant alert. At school he was constantly scanning the environment for signals that trouble was about to begin, and at home he clung to his mother constantly, making it difficult for her even to go to the bathroom alone.
The "Miniature Adult"
A family of three arrived at the abused women’s shelter in the middle of the night. As the shelter staff person was getting them settled, the mother began to cry and shake. The ten-year-old daughter put her arm around her mother and reassured her that everything would be all right. Then the child asked the staff person where the nearest bus stop was, because they had to take the baby to a doctor’s appointment at 9:15 in the morning.
The "resilient" child
Some children show few signs of trauma on the outside, but may be in a great deal of pain about the situation, and may suffer long term effects that only become clear in adulthood, if nothing is done to end the cycle of violence. Even children who appear "fine" are soaking up what is going on around them. Children are learning all the time, and forming beliefs about the world, adult life, and themselves.
Neither you nor your children deserve to be abused. There is help available. Call a domestic violence crisis line to find out about your community’s resources, such as battered women’s shelters, restraining orders, and other court actions that might be available to you. Tell your children that it is not their fault. Call a supportive friend or relative. Remember that a safe single-parent family is a better place for children than an abusive two-parent family. 
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